Haha.

I woke up this morning at 6:30am and couldn't get back to sleep. What sucks is that's happened 3 times in a row? I mean... Not a horrible problem but it is if you stay up late, which I guess 12 is kiiiinda late. By 7am I gave up on trying to go back to sleep and got up to pack my crap for my new studio apartment. I got done by 8ish and was unloading at the new hacienda by 9:30. Sidenote... This place rocks. Second sidenote... So does the black leather futon couch with cupholders that I got for a discounted price. Aaand... Bonus sidenote, I got a fourth source of income as a bartender/server at a classy Italian restuarant next door to my bank job. Pays off to be charming and nice, people. Business people like that.

Anyways, I got contacted by a rap artist in town and I'm gonna go meet this guy tonight at a bar place (go on christians... Judge away). The dude seems legit. See if we can round up all these artists in northwest Arkansas. I've already been working with a few. And have even teamed up with some extremely talented indie and alternative music artists. If you want links to any of these artists, let me know cuz... Their music is outstanding. It's been a rough week, full of a lot of paperwork and filing and discussing and bargaining but... In the end, it appears that all is alright. I've found a new community and have started to root. Gotta find a church to plug into soon but other than that... It feels good to be a banker by day, bartender by night, rapper by hobby and above all servant of the Lord by identity-- regardless on what you fundemental, people judging, Americanized Christendom brethren think. I'm out.

The Reality. No Matter How Harsh.

Oh boy, Nick would love this. He'd be like, "You're being open!". Probably right but nothing to be praised about. I have nothing else left but authenticity. If I dip in trying to spare myself embarassment I'll arrive there eventually. Might as well cut it short. I'm learning perseverance but I suuuuuck at it. I've got good things going but often choose to let one thing, ONE THING, cave my spirits in. It's amazing. It's Also pathetic. Ha, pathetically amazing. I'm hoping NO ONE reads this, kinda. Well, that's partially a lie. I secretly want a certain someone to read this. Wish I didn't feel like that but it's true. There's a place I've gone to express myself before that I want to avoid doing so now... It's all in the effort of authenticity-- which I know little of.

I'm one jealous person. I have no right to be either. But here I am. Listening to Ben Rector... Pondering ways to overachieve and be more appealing to others. Trying to almost WIN favor with people... Funny thing is, various people already see me in a good light so my deal HAS to be something more internal. Found inside. I suck at learning.. He remains faithful as promised though so i have to hold hope. I gotta seek authenticity. I wanna be authentic. I want to be genuine. I want to LIVE like that. Strengthen me, Lord... I seriously doubt ANYONE reads this... But it shouldn't matter either way.

"Give me grace, if you can hear me." - Ben Rector

"You are gonna be a Rockstar here."

There's a lot of goodness happening right now. I found a newly built studio apartment in Fayetteville for cheap. I found a second job. I'm making wonderful money with my first job. I have an opportunity to perform musically at my second job. I have a loving family. I hung out with some "new peers" on Saturday (They know who they are). I have loving friends. I have made new friends. I run about 10 miles a week. I have found a "mentor" of sorts... Even got some flattering words my way.

It's been a while since I've had positive stuff my way. Ironic cuz I use to hear it all the time. I use to hear it from my professors, mentors, pastors, parents, friends, onlookers, etc. One professor even told me that I was Mr. JBU, which implies Posterboy... Leader... Avant-garde... To be honest, I'm not sure that's what I am. At least not right now. And definitely not when that was said to me. One person even told me that I was part of a "new breed of pastors" and asked me to "train more like me"... others ignorantly called me a HERO... Can you believe that? A hero of WHAT? I've conquered nothing. I've done nothing. The Lord redeemed me in 2001, and he poured HIS blessings. That's IT. Anyone close to me knows I was never willing to embrace any of these things too.

All of this is beside the point though... Why? because this is the point: It' been a good 3 months since I've been praised in a similar manner. Not only that, but some of those "friends" and "mentors" have intentionally made their way out of my life. Crazy huh. The same people who were crooning my praise, have in recent time called me a: master manipulator, horrible person, scum of the earth, sociopath, individual unworthy of Christ's love, demon, etc... Pretty hurtful, I think. But like I said, I was never willing to accept the praise, but ironically I have to keep my heart from NOT accepting the shots. God is good though... He's helping me.

Last night, while I was working at my second job, I had my bosses wonderful wife tell me the following in more or less words:

"Son, you are going to be a rockstar here. You have a wonderful people charm and it especially gets to  the ladies! Heard a couple of convo's already. I'm sure this isn't anything you've never been told before but I just want you to know that there's already a buzz out here about you. People are talking. You are VERY popular, cute and charming and its only gonna keep growing."

My response, in more or less words, was: "Mam, I'm not here for that. I'm just thankful to have a job."

She replied... "LOVE your answer, but I've seen people display the same humility... It'll get to your head, it happens either way. Don't worry though, the good guys always make it back to earth."

Encouraging... Kinda. But more than anything, refreshingly honest? I'd be a liar if I denied that it made me feel good inside. I mean, It sure beats getting called a demon. Adding to this, the guy training me (who is married to the lady quoted above) has been bartending for 27 years and he offered me this "cheap advice" (as he calls it):

"My son is your age. He played college baseball on scholarship. He was good when things were good. He could pitch 100 strikes in a row and stay generally humble... but when he was down 5-0 in a late inning, you could see it in his eyes, he was fighting the need to crumble. He'd be fighting fear and the need to crack on someone else or even under perform... [Yes, humility when things are good is awesome but]... What good are you if you can't keep the same attitude when s***'s stacked against you? People are watching EVEN MORE then... A persons truest colors come out in situations requiring adversity."

Both of these individuals uplifted me last night. They, and others, said a lot of uplifting things but these are the only ones I'm willing to share-- or CAN share, haha (Sidenote: Got to meet their son too! we exchanged digits). You know, it hurts to have so many mentors, friends and fans turn their backs on you after a fall... but at least it helps clean house. I've started sharing a lot about how I fell with my old friends AND new friends because it helps weed out those who aren't willing to "do life" with ya... and it makes it easier to accept praises and critiques from the people left around you because you KNOW they're more genuine. Ha... And those bolting "mentors", "friends" and "fans" wonder why I won't listen to ANY of the things they've EVER said to me.

Blah, Blah, Blah.

My job at the bank is fun. My boss-- the bank manager --is chill... The assistant bank manager is just as chill... and my fellow co-workers (a 60 year old woman and a 20 year old dude) are chill too. Chill is a good word to describe that entire situation it feels like. Adding to this is the fact that I start my bar tending job on Saturday.

It's kind of funny how I got this job too. I had to be REALLY persistent. I had to be more charming than ever. In the end, it got me the gig-- at least for now. They would ask, "Have you ever done it before?" and I'd be like, "Not officially. But Hey, I'm trainable," with a huuuge smile... They found that extremely appealing, ha. End result: A rookie shot at an extremely envied gig. Bar tending is VERY good money. Also, I continued to look at some new cars. I can't get away from the Cadillac Escalades and CTS's. If I can help it, I'll end up with one of those two. I got to go to the mall today too. Bought a case of Aqua de Gio but it was the bonus packet so I got the complimentary shower gel and deodorant with it too. Saved like 30 bucks.

Today, I lip synched to Whitney Houston, K-Ci & Jojo, and Ritchie Valens. My friend found it semi-amusing. I looked for some studio apartments in Fayetteville and it seems as if I found some. Best thing about them is that they are 5 minutes from both of my jobs. Life seems set at the moment. It seems as if I know what the next few months will look like from an income and living standpoint... I just want to know the details. My mood seems to be one of apathy and anxiety mixed together... if thats even possible. Has to be. I feel it now. It's like an apathy of the heart but anxiety of the soul... Vicki's got the strength part handled and the mind is off so I can quit from dwelling on the things that make me insecure.

I hope this makes sense, ha. If it doesn't, Oh well. To all who read (if any)... let us toast to an unknown future. God is good... and also sovereign.

Doesn't Matter, Does it..

Pretty sure I was happy at some point today. Slowly, happiness just gets SUCKED out. A bump here, a bump there and its back to this feeling of being uncomfortable in my soul. Kinda like I have a pile of dirt in my stomach and every now and then I can taste it in my mouth. Only thing I keep repeating in my mind is Lil' Wayne's encouragement to "keep hustling"... As lame as THAT sounds. But I WILL keep doing just that...

I'm a Retail Banker by day, soon-to-be Bartender by night starting Saturday, Plasma donor on a biweekly basis and furniture mover on weekends. 4 sets of income, all for one purpose: The future.

Can't tell you what that looks like... Can't even describe what it'll entail. All I know is I want a family one day. A wife who loves me for the sinner I am... a gang of ankle biters that remind me of the blessing life is... and the opportunity to "do life" with them. Call it my dream I guess. I hope I can learn to love and take care of such a blessing as I get older. More than anything, I hope I can be an example of a God fearing man to them. Gah, I can't tell why I'm so beat up.

I'm not content. I feel jealousy. Anger. Fear. Anxiety. Inferiority. Bitterness... God TAKE these.

I'm Living.

I feel love. I'm scared of it... because I doubt I am capable of doing it right? Which is ridiculous, considering I'm led by the Father in it. However, I also understand how bad I've butchered it thus far in life. Funny thing is... it makes me understand it better? Weird huh. Quick thought, ever notice how you NEVER try to relate to anyone unless something similar happens to you? And when it does, you expect grace abundantly. At minimum, you expect mercy. However... flip the shoes, dropping the experience, and you want justice. Not even just justice, but justice without love. You want YOUR justice. You want an address to the fear you feel inside of your heart for what you don't understand. You want God's right of judgment.

I say this because I can openly say I know the pain of many sinners out there in the realm of marital failures. If your marriage is good, praise God for it. If yours is suffering, pray to God for direction.. if you've made it through suffering and into a wonderful state of grace and love, praise God that much more. And if it fails... seek Him for understanding, restoration and cleansing... THEN praise God.

I'm learning a lot. Mostly about how beautiful life is and how hurtful sin is. All of creation CRIES for a savior... So why do I spend time judging, hating, accusing, manipulating and putting down other members of creation? Love without justice is a form of sickening apathy. Justice without love is a form of bitterness. Creation without grace is purposeless. Merciless is a horrid form of pride. Let our great Lord's mercy drive you to see yourself for what you are: A sinful, broken and hurting member of creation.

STILL Got My Nike Boots.

I will be recording with QT tomorrow and I am BEYOND excited. The guy is a REAL talent. I'm tempted to say the best pure rapper I've ever worked with. I'm excited how this will look on peoples I-tunes:

"Nike Boots (Remix)" by The Panik & QT

(SIDENOTE: After much thought, I've decided to shorten my name to The Panik. It's easier to go by and its catchy... It's gone from The Paniked Hispanik to The Panik Hispanik to The Panik a.k.a. The P to the H.) We are prepping this Nike Boots remix and also prepping another song, which won't be revealed until later. Trust it's bound to be sick :)

As I was writing for my Nike Boots verse, the chorus of the song-- which is real simple in nature --really hit me somewhere deep. Then the idea of "still having my shoes on and still walking" drove me to writing perhaps one of the most captivating verses I've ever done. It's literary style isn't complex, the rythm doesn't strike awe and the words certainly don't tell an amazing story... but the verse combination of wittiness, passion, tenacity and metaphorical speech make me get the tingly feeling around my neck (you know what I'm talkin' about). With everything that has been happening in my life lately, good or bad, I still got these shoes on. and if I consciously make the decision to put them on in the morning, I have dedicated myself to walking in my own shoes towards a goal. I've set a tone. I've embraced the fact that I'm going to step over aggrevating terrains like rocks, goatheads, dry wood, haters, dry grass, deep snow, slippery surfaces, etc. I've laced up with every intention to make it back to my house later that day and take my shoes off on the ground I trust. Maybe I see a patch of beautiful green grass while I'm out and I unlace to temporarily enjoy... but NEVER forgetting that I can't take that beauty with me. All I can do is enjoy it where its at and love my home, and everything/everyone in it, more. I mean... Wale, you're kind of an accidental genius when you say:

I'm just doing what I gotta do. [I'm] flya then the rest of 'em, STILL got my Nike boots.

In closing, I want to leave this particular blog with a spirit of hopefulness... specifically for the future. All this has GOT to be one day at a time. And if it has to be one day at a time? I'm-a do it while being flya then the rest of them... (flya for me meaning staying above hatred and doin' me). And as a reminder? I'm lacin' my shoes on with pride every morning from now on. I mean... slippin' my Berks on with pride ;)... Just for fun, I put a snippet of my Nike Boots verse below. I'm out for now but until next time... stay flya then the rest of 'em.

Flya then the rest of 'em. Bowell in the rest room./
Did I say bowell? Meant haters piled in my rest room./
Starin' for my Nike shoes? Dawg, I'm wearin' rugger boots./
Berkenstock Cloggers too. Hater, never heard of you./
Lay tracks, lay beats, lay seas lay and lay oceans./
Did you hear me speak? Don't mean I SPEAK Laotian./
Ignorant speech, WOW! Meant I ain't speak louse./
Under armoured out so "Must Protect This House"/
Aeropostale hoodie but the hood be repped down/
Fresher with my Aqua de Gio, I'm uptown/

A Summer Lost. AND Gained.

I went to the doctor to get my scaphoid wrist fracture peeped out and cleared... and it didn't happen. Turns out, I'm behind schedule. Which means... I can't play semi-pro football in June like I planned. Which means... I'll be doing physical therapy while others get to play. Along with all the other things in life, I'm doing really bad job hunting too. I may need life to toss me a bone soon for sanity.

On a good note, I've gotten to talk to some big names as far doing music soon. One of my friends, we'll call him "T-Bo" a.k.a. "Big Daddy", is really pushing to becoming an amateur producer. He's taken a lot of music theory classes and he's ready to follow his passion for music to either failure or success. At this point, he just wants to know its NOT possible. I guess it beats living in regret, huh?... Which, one of my closest friends says I'm doing with my own musical gift. Along with T-Bo, there are 3 other rappers who are sitting around looking for an opportunity to make music too. Each one has their own motives, but the common theme with all 4 of us is that we LOVE music.

I got the chance to hang with one of them all day today. He goes by QT. He's one CRRAAAZY freestyle. He makes me feel like a rookie (Although we'd both agree that I'm the more complex writer). Still though, I got some GOOD face time with QT. We are currently lacing 2 tracks and pursuing to make some legit collabs with two other guys who go by J-Coozi and Mattafact respectably. Once a good track list gets organized, a release of a sampler seems realistic. No lie, it'd be some of the HOTTEST stuff ever. On top of this, so many different styles and genres of music would be incorporated. Whats amazing is that such a collaboration is possible...

The city of Seattle has been REALLY calling my name lately. I'd like to live there some day. For now though... I'll settle for Northwest Arkansas... possibly the belt buckle of our nations beloved "bible belt" (That is both a praise and a hater comment, by the way).... In general, I have a LOT to say but detest long blogs so in closing... I'm just gonna ramble off a bunch of random things. Til' next time-- Calm down.

1. Roommates are such a hit and miss kinda thing.
2. Jobs are such a miss kinda thing.
3. When mad, walls aren't a hit kinda thing with a broken wrist.
4. Cool people read www.modernpsalmist.blogspot.com.
5. The Panik, QT, J-Coozi and Mattafact = Amateur Young Money.
6. A pure heart is a PAINFUL process.
7. God is Good.

BONUS: I can't wait 'til August.